


i believe my family (jisung oneshots)

by itsaterriblelove



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Compliant, Han Jisung | Han-centric, Sporadic Updates, just FYI, just be safe please?, so sorry if i mess something up, this is my first work on AO3, trigger warnings given by chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2019-07-13 20:06:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 7,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16025051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsaterriblelove/pseuds/itsaterriblelove
Summary: just a random collection of Stray Kids oneshots, mostly about jisung.





	1. excessively long introduction to this collection

Hi guys, I’m the author, and y’all can call me Kat! Come visit me on my tumblr @itsaterriblelove (although I have to admit I’m not there often). I just wanted to say hi before getting started to tell you some things you should probably know about the fic.

 

First off, in case you haven’t read the tags, there will be sporadic updates, and most of the works will be unrelated to one another.

 

I must admit that I’m probably going to make Jisung suffer a lot because I project onto him whenever I’m writing hahaha. **So most importantly, I will be putting warnings about sensitive materials in the notes; make sure you check those!**

 

Let me know if there’s anything you think I should put a warning about, and I’ll make sure to do that to make sure nobody’s uncomfortable. I want to keep my fic a safe place for everybody, so please no hate or arguing!

 

Stay safe everyone, and in case nobody’s told you yet today, you are beautiful and valid and I love you! Even if someone has told you, you are beautiful and valid and I love you!

 

Feel free to come talk to me about whatever at any time. I’ll be happy to listen! I may not respond immediately but I will make sure to respond!


	2. Chapter List

Birthday:  

> From the moment he woke up that morning, Jisung knew it wasn't going to be a good day. Sure, it was his birthday, but what did that matter to his depression?
> 
> slight Hyunjin/Jisung
> 
> TW: bulimia, depression and insecurity, mentioned past self-harm
> 
> *Guess we're starting off with my projecting onto Jisung!

Insomnia:

> Chan has insomnia, Jisung has insomnia, and Hyunjin’s just dragged along (and into love).
> 
> Hyunjin/Jisung 

Yours: 

 

> “We may not have been destined to be written in the stars, but we chose to be written in the stars.“ 
> 
> [In which](http://otpprompts.tumblr.com/post/174191576728/we-may-not-have-been-destined-to-be-written-in), person A, who has a soulmate and had met them before, reassures person B, their S/O, that they love person B, not person C, or whoever their soulmate is! 
> 
> Hyunjin/Jisung, Changbin/Felix

The Song:

 

> [AU](http://otpprompts.tumblr.com/post/171122226162/au-where-soulmates-can-read-one-anothers) where soulmates can read one another’s thoughts, but only by making direct eye contact. This can result in awkward, fluffy, steamy, or angsty situations.
> 
> (Bonus: Those who are blind can hear their soulmate’s thoughts regardless, just depending on their proximity.)
> 
> Hyunjin/Jisung

untitled:

> You wish and wish and wish, and life feels impossible.
> 
> TW: depression, self-harm, suicidal ideation, descriptions of blood

Health:

> Chan just wants Jisung to be healthy.
> 
> TW: slight mentioned anorexia?
> 
> *This is purely my projecting onto Jisung, so they're OC.

Health pt II:

> Jisung's not quite there yet, but he's trying.
> 
> *to end the previous chapter on a more positive note haha

Warm:

> With the hectic nature of the idol life, sometimes they just need to sit down and breathe for a moment.
> 
> Hyunjin/Jisung, platonic Millennium line
> 
> *pure fluff to feed the soul and brighten your day

4419:

> "We did it."
> 
> "Jisung, we did it."
> 
> Chan and Jisung share a soft moment after Stray Kids' first win.
> 
> platonic!Chan/Jisung

 

tbc...


	3. Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From the moment he woke up that morning, Jisung knew it wasn't going to be a good day. Sure, it was his birthday, but what did that matter to his depression?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***** TW: bulimia, depression and insecurity, body image issues, mentioned past self-harm *****  
> Please be safe!

Smiling, Jisung held up his hands and shook his head. To the others, he said, “No, you guys go ahead. I’m not that hungry, so I’m just going to go straight to sleep.”

 

He heard a quiet snort.

 

“Of course you’re not hungry, Jisung. You just ate the entire cake by yourself.”

 

Jisung snapped his elbow back and caught whoever was whispering in the ribs, but his eyes remained on Chan, wide and pleading.

 

“If you’re sure,” Chan said, not having heard the comment, before turning back to talk to Minho about their recent dance practice.

 

Turning on the person behind him, Jisung hissed, “Why’d you say that? What if he heard?”

 

Changbin frowned and shot back, “It’s the truth, though. You’re not hungry now because you stuffed yourself with the entire cake we got you earlier.”

 

Pouting but unable to deny that, Jisung made a face at the older rapper, carefully managing his expressions. He caught up to the others, slinging his arms around Felix’s neck, and spent the rest of the walk back to the dorms plastered to the other boy’s back.

 

The dorm was loud and chaotic when the members flooded in, but in only a few minutes, it was dead silent again except for the click of the door closing behind the rest of the group as they went out for dinner.

 

Immediately, Jisung deflated. His smile dropped from his face, and he turned and dragged himself into the bathroom. He crumpled to the ground in front of the sink and closed his eyes.

 

 _You stuffed yourself_ , a voice mocked him, _you’re such a pig. Disgusting._

 

Jisung hugged himself, huddling smaller against the wall. Did the cake even count? Because it wasn’t like it _stayed_ in his stomach. Ten minutes after he’d gorged himself, staving off the insecurities gnawing at his mind, the self-hatred had settled in, and he’d spent far too long kneeling in front of a toilet, forcing himself to vomit everything he’d just eaten.

 

“Fucking broken,” he breathed and started to stroke the inside of his left bicep with a thumb. “But try for them.”

 

His fingertips ran over the obsessively uniform bumps of old scars, and he repeated to himself, “Try for them. Do it for them.”

 

He pulled himself off the ground and slogged through his nightly routine, chanting the phrase again and again in his mind as he moved. When he finally fell into bed, he told the ceiling the same thing he did every night: “Live for them.”

 

 

 

 

And when he woke up the next morning curled up in Hyunjin’s arms, he was reminded in a quiet voice raspy from sleep of one of the reasons why he kept getting up each day.

 

“I love you, Jisung.”

 

“I love you, too.”


	4. Insomnia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chan has insomnia, Jisung has insomnia, and Hyunjin’s just dragged along (and into love).
> 
> Hyunjin/Jisung

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Hahaha I kind of projected onto Chan a bit since I stress-bake when my insomnia keeps me awake at night...)

Hyunjin scowls down at his phone. Why is he the one out at 3 a.m. looking for something called “cream of tartar” when Chan could’ve done it instead? After all, he has a _test_ tomorrow, and Chan is the crazy one who wants to make cookies in the middle of the night. Hyunjin’s all for the idea of having cookies, but really? In the middle of the night? Couldn’t he have waited until morning?

Huffing and shoving his phone into his pocket, he turns into the baking aisle and stares at the shelves. A white powder, Chan had said. But then why is it called _cream_ of tartar? In what world does that make sense? He grumbles as he scans the numerous, tiny bottles, angry mumbling getting louder and louder with each second. Finally, his eyes zero in on the glass bottle. It’s the last one left, and he reaches out for the damn thing, eager to finally go back home and sleep.

But then his hand wraps around something warm and soft and _definitely_ not a bottle.

He blinks at the small hand he’s holding and follows it up to a slim wrist to a baggy sleeve, up to pale neck, and finally to round doe eyes.

And he wants to melt into the ground of embarrassment because here he is, hair messy and clothes sloppy from rolling out of bed, holding the hand of the prettiest boy he’s ever seen, an absolute angel.

Hyunjin stares, his tired mind taking far too long to process what was happening. Not that it helps when the boy in front of him gives him a small but bright smile, pink rising into his cheeks.

“Sorry.”

He continues to stare dumbly. Only when the small quirk of the angel’s lips starts to falter does he snap out of his daze.

“No, no, I’m sorry. I wasn’t paying attention since I was so focused on looking for it, so I accidentally grabbed your hand instead.”

And before long, he’s spilled the entire story to the beautiful stranger: how he has a test in four hours but Chan insisted that he go out to buy ingredients, and he really doesn’t want to go back to their apartment empty-handed.

“Are you talking about Bang Chan by any chance? Born 1997, silver hair, skin that’s never seen the sun?”

He gaped.

“Yeah. How’d you know? You know him?”

The boy smiled again, larger this time, and explained, “Yeah. Chan-hyung was texting me about he’d sent his roommate out to buy ingredients for cookies earlier. You must be Hyunjin-ssi, then? The roommate who dances?”

“Yup,” his voice comes out higher than normal, so he clears his throat before continuing. “That’s me. It’s nice to meet you…?”

“Han Jisung.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Jisung-ssi.”

Another heart-stopping grin.

“Just Jisung, please. I’d shake your hand, but you’re still holding it–“ Hyunjin dropped his hand immediately, blushing “–and I think hyung mentioned that we’re the same age at some point. 2000, right?”

He nods and opens his mouth to continue the conversation, but a buzz draws Jisung’s attention away from him and towards his phone.

Looking back up with an apologetic expression, Jisung tells him, “Sorry, but I have to go. My roommate Felix is worried and wants me to come back soon.”

“W-w-wait,” Hyunjin sputters. “You know Felix, too?!”

“He’s my best friend. I’m sorry, but I really have to go.” Jisung takes a step back to leave but then pauses, gaze flicking over Hyunjin’s face.

After a short pause, Jisung says slowly, “I don’t do this, ever, but since you’re friends with Chan-hyung and Felix, I believe you’re a good person, so do you want to come crash at our apartment?”

When Hyunjin stares, speechless, Jisung flushes violently and tugs his sleeves over his hands and mumbles, “Y’know, since you said you didn’t want to go back empty-handed.”

“Yes, please,” Hyunjin blurts out, perhaps a little more desperately than he should’ve. “I’d love to, Jisung.”

Within seconds, a smile blossoms on Jisung’s face, lighting him up brilliantly, and, bouncing a little bit where he stands, he exclaims, “Great! I can make you snickerdoodles to eat before your test!”

Jisung reaches out and grabs Hyunjin’s hand, tugging him down the aisle to the cashier, and Hyunjin smiles dopily, telling himself to text Chan that he wouldn’t be coming back tonight and also thank him for giving him the opportunity to run into the sunshine chattering away beside him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did my best to write something fluffy? 
> 
> Anyway, I'll be taking prompts at my tumblr @itsaterriblelove, but just warning y'all in advance, I cannot promise you that I'll write a story for your prompt. I'll do my best but *shrugs with a sheepish smile*
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	5. Yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We may not have been destined to be written in the stars, but we chose to be written in the stars.“ 
> 
> In which, person A, who has a soulmate and had met them before, reassures person B, their S/O, that they love person B, not person C, or whoever their soulmate is! (http://otpprompts.tumblr.com/post/174191576728/we-may-not-have-been-destined-to-be-written-in)

 

Soulmates.

Hyunjin doesn't realize that he's spent two hours mulling the word over in his mind until Jisung leans down and drops a kiss on his forehead before moving away to drop his bag in his room and change into more comfortable clothing. The last thing he'd remembered was talking to Seungmin after their class together, laughing and joking about something insignificant, when suddenly his friend had bumped into an underclassman. He'd stared at his friend in confusion when he and the younger student froze, looking at each other, but then noticed the matching bird tattoos on their hands darkening from grey to black. Yes, he was happy that Seungmin had found his soulmate, but a sick feeling rose up inside of him, and he'd mumbled out his excuses and practically ran back to the apartment. And now Jisung was here.

He grits his teeth and looks down at his clenched fists in his lap. 

_Soulmates_. Something that everybody had but him. Everything he wanted with Jisung but could never have. Something that Jisung had.

Jisung had met his soulmate before. That much was obvious. The complex tattoo underneath his ear was black, not the faded grey of an unfulfilled soul bond. But it wasn't him. It had been black ever since they'd met, and Hyunjin had no marks. No black ones, no faded ones––none. When Jisung had asked him out, he'd assured the other that although he'd met his soulmate, they weren't in a relationship, and Hyunjin had believed him. Still believes him. He trusts his lover but can't shake the worries whispering in the back of his mind. 

The couch dips beside him, and Jisung leans into him, a solid warmth that helps pull Hyunjin from his thoughts. 

"Hey, love. Is something wrong?"

Jisung's voice is light and so full of concern, and Hyunjin's so scared and insecure and says, "Seungmin met his soulmate today."

"Yeah?" 

Hyunjin knows Jisung's eyes are on him, but he can't bring himself to meet his gaze yet. 

"You've met your soulmate before, right?"

A short pause. Jisung's probably confused. Hyunjin's never asked about his soulmate before and had avoided the topic of soulmates completely with him.

"Yeah. I have."

A gentle hand on his back. He's almost drowning in his love for Jisung, and he blurts out, "Do you love them?"

This silence was unexpected. It gnaws at his fraying nerves, and he looks up at Jisung. 

His brow is furrowed, and he releases his bottom lip from his teeth to finally answer: "Yes."

And that  _devastated_  him. 

But Jisung's voice, reassuring and strong, cuts through the stormy seas to pull Hyunjin back to the surface. 

"I love you, Hyunjin, and I want  _you_. Do you trust me?"

Warm hands are holding his, thumbs stroking his knuckles, and when he finally refocuses on the younger boy and nods, Jisung says, determined, "I need to show you something."

When Hyunjin nods numbly, Jisung reaches over to the coffee-table and pulled his laptop closer before opening it and video-calling a name he doesn't recognize: Felix Lee. The shrill ringing as they wait for the call to be picked up are like drills boring into his ears, and his hands tighten around Jisung's. 

"Jisung!" A lightly accented voice sings as the call connects, revealing a handsome boy, grinning brightly. "It's been forever!"

He takes in the warm eyes, the loving voice, the smile as bright as the sun, and thinks,  _oh._ Because he thinks he knows who this Felix is.

Beside him, Jisung leans forward and returns the greeting before turning to Hyunjin and saying, "I wanted you to meet him. Hyunjin, this is Felix. He's my soulmate."

Sweet, terrible confirmation of his fears.

"And Felix, this is Hyunjin, my boyfriend."

Hyunjin expects glares or tears or threats or––he doesn't even know what he expects, but it certainly wasn't for that blinding grin to somehow become more brilliant and that deep voice to pitch itself into an excited squeal.

"I'm so happy for you!" Felix practically shouts. "It's so nice to meet you, Hyunjin. We'll have to meet in person one day. Changbin! Come say hi to Jisung and his boyfriend Hyunjin!"

Somebody that Hyunjin assumes is Changbin bangs around in the background for a bit before popping into the frame beside Felix. 

"Nice to meet you, Hyunjin. You can call me Changbin-hyung."

Jisung's arm slides around his waist, and he explains, "Changbinnie-hyung is Felix's boyfriend of... three years I believe?"

_Oh._ The pressure in Hyunjin's chest rushes out all at once, and he finds himself breaking into a slightly teary smile.  _Oh. Of course._

He turns his head, and Jisung's just smiling at him, all warm and reassuring and loving and perfect, and he laughs. 

"I'm happy to meet you guys, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you may have begun to notice, I'm a sucker for platonic Jisung/Felix, so with this I just couldn't resist the urge to have platonic soulmates!jilix :)


	6. The Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU where soulmates can read one another’s thoughts, but only by making direct eye contact. This can result in awkward, fluffy, steamy, or angsty situations.
> 
> (Bonus: Those who are blind can hear their soulmate’s thoughts regardless, just depending on their proximity.)
> 
> Hyunjin/Jisung

 

 

Checking his watch for the third time in the past minute or so, Hyunjin sighs and shifts to lean against the wall. If only he hadn’t agreed to help Felix with his choreography, then he wouldn’t have missed his usual train, and he would be at home already, sleeping. 

His eyes roam over the crowd in front of him, beginning to blank out, only to snap to attention when he heard the rattle of a train echoing through the tunnels. The train pulls in, and he slumps back, gloomily watching the people flood in and out, all of their faces turned down to look at their phones. 

In one of the windows of the train, however, there’s a blonde boy— _beautiful_ , his mind sighs—standing alone by the doors. One hand is wrapped around a pole, and the other taps rhythms into his jean-covered thigh. Hyunjin narrowed his eyes and brought his gaze up to the boy’s face, only to stumble in surprise when their eyes met. 

A dark-sounding song starts playing in his head, starting and stopping seemingly randomly, and then–

_–level up, my zone like a kingdom Odin. Don’t be playing around my district._ A vague sense of satisfaction. _Who came to our district again? Dares to act violently? Shakespeare will gain another tra–_

Someone bumps into his side, and he looks at them briefly to acknowledge their apology before snapping his eyes back to the boy’s, desperately trying to make eye contact with his soulmate again. At that moment, though, the doors begin to slide closed, and the boy is whisked away into the darkness. Hyunjin is left again to his thoughts, surrounded by a sea of bowed heads, with only the last words he heard.

_Kia rite. A, upane._

 

* * *

 

Those words printed in his mind are lyrics. He’s sure of it. But asking his hip-hop-loving friends gave him nothing. Searching for them online gave him nothing. Nobody’d ever heard of it before. 

Hyunjin begins to wonder why he’d even thought that he would be lucky enough to get to know his soulmate. With his luck, he’s probably one of the few people doomed to only see their soulmate once or to never meet them. He considers giving up.

 

* * *

 

"–amazing, writing music like that and creating a district for people who feel misunderstood. They're around our age and so influential since their music comforts people. I mean, I kind of wish they'd show their fans what they looked like, but if they don't want to, that's their decision! Anyway, they're metaphorically protecting us from those who might hurt us because it's their duty to protect their zone like Odin does his kingdom."

Hyunjin blinked slowly, mind whirring.  _District. Zone. Odin. Kingdom._

"Felix, could you say that again?"

"What?" Felix blinks back just as owlishly. "Say what again?"

Coming to an abrupt stop in the middle of the hall, the taller dancer takes his friend by the shoulders and says firmly, "Odin."

"They protect their zone like Odin protects his kingdom?"

Heart racing, Hyunjin takes a breath and hopes he's right about this, Looking the other boy directly in the eye, he recites, "Level up, my zone like a kingdom Odin–" Felix's jaw drops and the excitement is building and building inside of him. Now the last part he has to check.

"Kia rite."

Felix regains control of himself and continues, "A, upane."

Hyunjin's seconds away from bursting, but he somehow manages to ask (somewhat) calmly, "Where did you hear that?"

Watching his older friend curiously, Felix answers, "It's from a song. By 3RACHA."

Mouthing "3RACHA" Hyunjin shakes himself and demands, "Show me."

And he does. 

It's the song.

It's  _the_ song.

It's  _the song._

_It's the song_.

"Why?"

Hyunjin realizes that the song is over and that he'd just been standing there staring into space and answers, "I heard it a few weeks ago, and I've been going  _crazy_  looking for it. You are honestly a life-saver, 'Lix. I was seriously– Why are you looking at me like that?"

"You heard it a few weeks ago," Felix repeats brow furrowed. "But it just came out yesterday."

Hyunjin's mind stumbles to a halt. 

"But I definitely heard it," Hyunjin says defensively, "It was in my mind, th–"

This time, Felix is the one taking Hyunjin by the shoulders and shrieking, "IN YOUR MIND?!"

"Y-yes?" Hyunjin stutters, confused.

"You met your soulmate and you didn't tell me?" Felix wailed. "How could you betray me like this? My best friend!"

Sending apologetic smiles to the people avoiding them, Hyunjin is about to try to slap some sense into his overly dramatic friend when said friend stops and says, "What if your soulmate is part of 3RACHA?"

When Hyunjin just gives him an exasperated 'really?' look, Felix pouts and says, "Think about it. You definitely didn't know the song at all, but your soulmate did and that's how you heard it. Your soulmate knew the song weeks before it was released."

The older dancer malfunctions, his mind a whirling mess of uncertainties and questions, so Felix decides to be a good friend and change the subject.

"Was he hot?"

His question snaps Hyunjin out of his daze but also causes him to blush violently and sputter nonsense.

With an eager grin in place, Felix says, "So he was. Tell me about him."

And he drags the two of them over to a bench since once Hyunjin starts talking, he doubts he'll stop any time soon.

"He's not  _just_  hot. He's the prettiest person I've ever seen–"

 

* * *

 

"Remind me why I'm doing this again?" Hyunjin mutters angrily into his phone as he hides behind a newspaper that he hasn't read a single word of.

Felix's voice is bright and far too cheerful. "Because you decided to be ridiculous and run into your soulmate in the subway, of all places, and this is the best way to try to find him again."

He huffed, offended. "I didn't  _decide_  to run into him here. It just happened."

"Yeah, yeah. Now keep looking."

The line went dead. 

"Unbelievable," Hyunjin scoffs and stuffs his phone into his pocket. He peeks out over the top of the paper and scans the crowd. He's been sitting there for an hour at least, and he's considering calling it quits and just leaving without telling Felix. But a small, hopeful voice in the back of his mind tells him to wait a bit longer. Ugh. Optimism.

Despite himself, he lingers for a few more minutes. 

Still nothing.

Grumbling in frustration, Hyunjin stands up and trudges towards the exit, only to freeze when he spots a head of blonde hair near the benches. He's just staring now, unmoving. A lot of people have blonde hair though. It might not be him. It's impossible for it to be him. It would be too much of a coincidence.

The boy turns around.

It's not him.

"I'm gonna go now, Jisungie."

"M'kay. Bye, Chan-hyung," came a bright chirp.

The crowd had shifted, revealing yet another head of fluffy blonde hair, but Hyunjin swears he recognizes that oversized jacket hanging on the boy's shoulders. The newspaper crumples in his hand as it curls into a fist, and this time, Hyunjin actually holds his breath when the boy turns.

It  _is_  him.

A grin plasters itself on his face, and when his soulmate looks in his direction, he waves. His soulmate smiles softly and walks toward him. Hyunjin can't unroot himself from his spot; he just stares and smiles and stares some more, taking in the slightly puffed out chubby cheeks, brown eyes focused somewhere behind him, white stick gripped in one hand, and  _oh_ , he's only a foot away and he's even more gorgeous up close and––

He walks right past him.

Hyunjin stares at the empty space where his soulmate had been a second ago. What happened? Why did the boy... oh. The white cane. The distant eyes. He didn't see him. 

Dropping his newspaper, he spins and sprints after that golden beacon, slipping past people with quick apologies. He finally gets close enough to put a hand on the other boy's shoulder and gasps, "Excuse me."

The gentle smile on his soulmate's face, as small as it is, seems to Hyunjin like the soft morning light.

"Yes?" His eyes are drifting, trying to pinpoint his face based on his other senses, and Hyunjin clears his throat.

Finally, those brown eyes find his and widen when their thoughts flood into each other's minds. His smile grows, his entire being like a shard of sunlight molded into body, and he says, "I'm Jisung. I'm so very happy you found me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm probably going to write a short continuation of this at some point, but at the moment, I don't have anything concrete planned for that.
> 
> Hope y'all liked this chapter and just the fluff in general!


	7. untitled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You wish and wish and wish, and life feels impossible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: depression, self-harm, suicidal ideation, descriptions of blood
> 
> Honestly, if you're more sensitive, even if you don't identify any of the above as triggers, please don't read this. Stay safe <3

You're exhausted, ready to collapse, ready to give up, and only the thought of those 8 people, your family, beside you keeps you standing. And you hurt because you love them but you're afraid that they'll ask you to reveal a bit of yourself, to open up more. You've already peeled back the layers of your façade, showed them the scared child underneath your bravado, but you're afraid that's not enough. You're afraid that a day will come when they ask you to crack open your ribs and show  _you_ , and you're not ready for that. On your better days you wonder if you're being overdramatic, if you're overthinking things, but then you laugh bitterly because you know that if they saw who you were, they'd never come back.

So you write. You escape. You write the things you wish someone had told you. You escape by thinking of the people that you might help, who won't venture down the same path as you because they had someone to tell them that they would be okay and that life will get better. You let your emotions and thoughts manifest on paper, in songs, screaming out to the world how you feel without anybody knowing the truth. It's your way of exposing everything you have to hide because you don't know how to express anything any other way.

Away from the songs you write for your family you indulge yourself. You create worlds where you do what you're not brave enough, not strong enough to do in real life. You change your life in your world, immersing yourself, living out your dreams, tricking yourself into thinking it's possible. But when you stop, you feel so drained because you remember that it's not real. None of it is real. 

You lay awake at night, dizzy and light-headed from insomnia, and you swirl colors behind your eyelids. You forgo your pen and paper and words and paint instead. You paint tattered skin and angry red marks where nobody will see. You create art on your body, perfect patterns of blood and scratches on an imperfect body and soul. Purples and blues, fading yellow and green. Nobody suspects a thing. Nobody knows that the true artist paints, draws, sculpts, carves with their own nails, skin, teeth; their body is their canvas. In the moment, you tell yourself that it isn't self-harm and that it's art. You dig your nails in, not because you like the pain, but because you deserve it. And once the high is gone and only the stained towels you used to soak your blood are left, you break. And you pull yourself together and build yourself up all over again. And break. And it's getting harder and harder to find all the splinters that went flying.

It doesn't matter that you hate yourself, as long as you keep pretending.

It doesn't matter what you want. Just do what people expect from you.

It'd be better if you were gone. You might not be better off without your family, but they'd definitely be better off without you.

Nothing you do is right anymore. All the choices you make drive you further down this path.

It's not the stress. You were falling apart far before any of this. You've always been unhappy. It's just that before, you were strong enough to hold yourself together enough for it not to show. 

You wish you could change the world. You wish you could just disappear. You wish you were normal. 

You wished it would make you bleed. People only believe what they see, so your pain means nothing until your skin in torn or marked. So you gave them just that, savaging the temple of your body.

You ask yourself what happiness is to you. 

It's something you crave but cannot grasp.

It's mocking and cruel and impossible.

It's when you no longer have to hide in your words and dreams because reality is better than them.

 


	8. Health

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chan just wants Jisung to be healthy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't be offended by how I portray the members (*cough* Chan *cough*) in this oneshot. They're going to be OC here because this is 100% me projecting and writing them into a situation I've experienced.
> 
> TW: I guess it could kind of count as anorexia/self-flagellation?

"Jisung. Look at me."

_...six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven._

"I'm serious, Jisung. Look at me."

_Twelve. Thirteen. Fourteen. Fifteen. Sixteen._

"Jisung!"

_Seventeen. Eighteen. Nineteen. Nineteen lines on his notebook._

Jisung takes a deep breath and looks up, meeting Chan's eyes. "Yeah?"

"We need to talk about your diet, so hear me out, okay?"

He nods silently.

"Can you eat meat a few times a week?"

 _Breathe_ , he reminds himself. _One. Two. Three. Four_.

"Your being vegetarian isn't good for you."

_Five. Six._

"If you ate more, it might've be okay but with how little you eat and how often you skip meals, it's getting unhealthy."

Seeing Chan's expectant look, he nods again in acknowledgement. _Seven. Eight. Nine._ He feels kind of numb. _Ten. Eleven. Twelve. Thirteen. Fourteen_. Chan's voice is becoming echoey and distant, and he's too small for this body of his, these awkward limbs. 

He stops his counting and looks down, away from those disappointed eyes. He rubs the material of his jacket between two fingers. _Soft. Warm. Real? Not real._ Chan's still talking, but he's no longer listening. He runs his fingers over the screen of his phone. _Cold. Hard. Smooth. Real?_ He repeats the action with the chair leg. _Cold. Hard. Smooth. Wait, no, bumpy. Real._

He's expanding and this too-large body is shrinking and his mind is reeled back into his body and reality.

"You're so determined to not take lives," Chan is saying, "But do you realize what you're doing to the members? To me?"

 _Ah_ , he thinks, _Here comes the guilt-tripping._

"Every time you skip a meal, we worry. If it was once in a while, we could let it go, but it's becoming a habit. Please try to eat more, Jisung."

Blank eyes staring at his hands, he turns over the options in his mind. To try and thus contribute to the extinguishing of lives or to not and worry his members. Lives against worry. Which outweighs the other?

 _It's a lose-lose situation_ , he realizes. If he eats, he'll feel guilty, but if he doesn't, he'll also feel guilty. He sees a drop of water splash onto his hand and startles; he didn't realize that he was beginning to cry. Swallowing hard, he asks softly, "Can we not talk about this right now?"

Silence. Chan-hyung's probably opening his mouth right now to argue.

"I'll consider it," he tacks on somewhat desperately. "I'll think about it, so can we not talk about this right now?"

He hears a resigned sigh, and a heavy hand lands on his head, ruffling his hair.

"Okay. We don't have to talk about this now."

Jisung lets out the breath he was holding and picks his pen back up, mind racing because he was so close to finishing these lyrics before the interruption, but freezes at Chan's departing words.

"You know, you're so nice to all the life you don't know that you're cruel to the ones you know."

His hand goes slack, and he drops the pen. The door closes behind the leader, and only then does Jisung start to cry.


	9. Health pt II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jisung's not quite there yet, but he's trying.

"Guys," Chan calls. "The food is here!"

He sets all but one of the containers on the table, and the members immediately pounce the food, good-naturedly arguing. Chan shakes his head fondly and holds the last container out to Jisung.

"Here's your vegetarian one," Chan says. 

Jisung chirps out a bright thanks and begins shoveling food into his mouth. Despite his own hunger, Chan can't help but watch the younger boy eat, pride blooming in his chest at how far Jisung has come.

"Oh," Chan murmurs, "Did you remember your protein shake?"

Jisung's cheeks are bulging with food like a squirrel's, so he just reaches down and grabs the bottle, holding it up and shaking it a bit for the leader to see.

Chan smiles and ruffles Jisung's hair and reminds, "Remember to take your supplements afterwards."

Jisung rolls his eyes in mock exasperation and grins as best as he can with his mouth full, eyes crinkling into crescents. Only then does Chan leave to find his own food.

Every time he sees Jisung taking the initiative to eat more, to eat regularly, to eat healthier, he's unbelievably happy. He feels guilty for pushing the younger boy into a corner, but the forced change was so much better for everyone. Before, he'd frequently skipped meals in favor of practicing or writing songs, and it had showed in his lethargy and paleness. With his more varied diet, his protein shakes, and vitamin supplements, Jisung is visibly healthier. His smiles come easier, his eyes shine, and he's regained some color to his face.

He hears a loud yell and glances over to see the '00 line playing around, frequent shouts coming from their side of the room. It's a common occurrence now, but his annoyance is silenced by his relief every time: if Jisung's energy levels are high enough for him to play around like that, it means his new diet is working.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the commenter Chan's snake!


	10. Warm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the hectic nature of the idol life, sometimes they just need to sit down and breathe for a moment.
> 
> Hyunjin/Jisung, platonic Millennium line

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have so much homework due tomorrow, but instead of working on it or studying for the tests that are also taking place tomorrow, I'm here writing. So here's a little drabble of pure fluff of Millennium line cuddling.

A sing-songy “Hyunjinnie~” was the only warning he received before Jisung was racing into the living room and throwing himself onto the couch beside him. The younger boy immediately cuddled up to his side with large eyes and a pouty mouth, silently asking for affection.

“God,” Hyunjin sighed. “Why are you so needy?”

The complaint was more of a tradition than anything at this point. The moment Jisung had settled against him, he’d begun to pull the smaller boy into his lap. Even as he griped about Jisung’s clinginess, he laced their fingers together and nuzzled into the crook of his neck. When Jisung made a pleased noise and melted back into him, curling further into his arms, Hyunjin couldn’t help but smile at how cute he was. They had no intention of moving; they were exhausted from the constant schedules and practices, and they wanted to hold onto this peaceful moment for as long as possible.

Some time later, Seungmin walked in and made a face at them, grumbling, “Gross. Keep your PDA away from me.”

Jisung childishly retorted, “You’re just jealous,” and stuck his tongue out at the other boy but immediately held out his arms in an invitation afterward. Seungmin rolled his eyes, feigning exasperation, and threw himself on the couch beside Hyunjin. Beaming, Jisung stretched his legs out over Seungmin’s lap, but the other boy pushed them away, scowling. Undeterred, he placed his legs back, but this time, Seungmin didn’t shove him off. When Jisung held out a hand, the (slightly) younger boy took it, and Hyunjin just smiled fondly at both of them and placed his hand over theirs, warm and comforting.

Felix joined them next, spotting them cuddled together on the couch and sprawling over the remaining space. Right behind him was Jeongin, who poked Felix until he finally moved to make space. With his head on Seungmin’s thighs, torso on Jeongin’s lap, and legs thrown over the leg of the couch, Felix spotted their tangled hands and grinned. He grabbed Jeongin’s hand and put them both onto the pile. Looking proudly at the clump of hands, all awkwardly trying to hold on to everyone else’s, he finally settled down and closed his eyes.

Their hands were too warm and sweat began to slick their palms, but despite this, the five of them held on, even as they drifted off to sleep.

When the older members found them an hour later, their hands were still joined tightly.


	11. Hospital Encounters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jisung can't believe his luck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's set in a hospital, but it's honestly just fluff. No sadness at all.  
> Hyunjin/Jisung

Jisung collapsed into one of the hard, uncomfortable chairs and sighed. Felix was supposed to park the car and then come join him, but he was still missing. He was considering calling him when someone sat down next to him.

"Hey." Jisung turned his head and almost choked because in front of him is the most beautiful man he's ever seen. Thankfully, his years of non-stop talking had prepared him for this: his mouth began moving and speaking automatically.

"Hey there. Are you here for a broken bone? Or is it something else? Because you look healthy to me. Oh, sorry, I shouldn't ask because maybe it's personal. Anyway, my name's Han Jisung. Nice to meet you."

The other man just stared for a moment, trying to catch up, and when he finally did, he smiled. "Nice to meet you, Jisung-ssi. I'm Hwang Hyunjin."

Jisung grinned back and waved a hand dismissively. "Just call me Jisung. You look like you're around the same age as me."

"I was born in 2000," he replied. "And same goes for you. Just call me Hyunjin."

"Huh," Jisung raised an eyebrow. "What do you know, we are the same age."

They lapsed into silence for a while before Jisung's curiosity got the best of him. He said, "If you don't mind me asking, why are you here?"

Hyunjin startled and stuttered, "I-I, well, uh—" He finally organized his thoughts enough to reply. "I just drove a friend of mine here. He's got a broken leg so he couldn't drive himself."

Jisung mouthed an 'ah' and nodded.

"Why are you here?" Hyunjin grinned and added, "You don't have to answer that."

An embarrassed laugh escaped Jisung, and he playfully warned the other man, "Don't you dare laugh at me, okay?" As if he was ten years old again, he extended his pinky and immediately regretted it. Maybe Hyunjin will think he's childish and—a pinky linked with his, and Hyunjin said solemnly, "I promise not to laugh at your story," before sealing it by pressing their thumbs together. "Well?"

Jisung's heart was beating far too fast for it to be normal, and he looked away for a moment to compose himself.

"Well," he started, "I fractured my foot a week ago, and apparently I need surgery so that it heals right." He trailed off, and Hyunjin prompted, "How'd you hurt it?"

The taller man watched, fascinated, as a pink flush rose to Jisung's round cheeks. He was so distracted that he didn’t catch what Jisung muttered. "Can you repeat that?" The younger man turned to him with an adorable pout, and Hyunjin defended, "I really didn't hear! It was too quiet and I was too focused on you..." Hyunjin trailed off as he realized what he'd said, but he couldn’t bring himself to regret it because Jisung's cheeks were once again a pretty pink that spread down his neck and his teeth were worrying at his lower lip.

Jisung took a deep breath and asked nervously, "Can I have your number, Hyunjin?"

Hyunjin's breath caught, and he knew he was in trouble. Jisung was trouble. But the best kind.

"Yes," he said immediately. He fumbled for his phone and asked, "Can I have yours?" In response, Jisung just replaced Hyunjin's phone, clutched in his hand, with his. Quickly creating a new contact, he typed in his number and put down "Hyunjinnie <3" as his name. When they traded their phones back again, he looked down and smiled, seeing that the younger man had saved his number as "Jisungie~~<3🐿️." Jisung was beaming up at him, and he, a mere mortal, couldn’t withstand the full force of the sun for too long.

He cast around for something to say when he realized with a start, "You never did repeat yourself. How did you fracture your foot?"

Jisung’s eyes dropped, and he started playing absentmindedly with his fingers. "I got out of bed wrong in the morning," he mumbled reluctantly.

When Hyunjin just stared, he explained, "I may or may not have misjudged the distance to the floor."

He couldn't help it. He burst out laughing. He laughed loudly as he hadn’t in forever, uncaring of any other people. With a pout and a gentle slap to Hyunjin's shoulder, Jisung whined, "Hyunjinnie, you promised not to laugh."

Mouth still twitching in amusement, Hyunjin caught the other man's hand when he tried to slap him again and said, "How about to make up for that, I'll take you out for dinner some time. Hopefully soon. Maybe even tomorrow."

Jisung smiled at him, soft and shy, and replied, "Okay. I'd love that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My friend actually did fracture their foot getting out of bed, and it sounded so ridiculous that I had to write something about it.  
> Comment what you thought or what you might want to see next! Or find me on my Twitter @aterriblelove00 and tumblr @itsaterriblelove :* <3


	12. 4419

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We did it."  
> "Jisung, we did it."
> 
> Chan and Jisung share a soft moment after Stray Kids' first win.
> 
> platonic!Chan/Jisung

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk I was just overly emotional and ended up writing this? I haven't edited it or anything but hopefully it's not too bad?

“Hyung, you did it.”  
Chan turned at the soft voice, taking his eyes off the seven boys piled on the sofa in the living room, most of their eyes red with tears but all of their mouths stretched wide in joy. Jisung stood behind him, face free of makeup and the fringes of his hair damp where it hung in his face. He looked exhausted with his bloodshot eyes, but his lips were also curved in a tiny, beautiful smile.   
The leader shook his head and corrected, “We did it.”  
“We did,” Jisung agreed and pushed, “But I meant what I said. You did it. Us—Stray Kids, 3racha—we wouldn’t be here without you.” The younger boy stepped forward and nudged Chan with his shoulder. “You made us, hyung.”  
He stared at the smaller boy in front of him, looking into wide, earnest eyes, and felt his heart clench in his chest. Without warning, he swept Jisung into a bruisingly tight embrace, resting his cheek on dark, fluffy hair and swallowing hard against the emotions that threatened to choke him up. When he felt thin but strong arms wrap around him in return, he breathed, “Thank you.”  
Jisung startled in his arms, and he just clutched the younger impossibly closer. Jisung had to know how important he was to Chan, how deep the feelings ran. Back when he was just Chris, a lonely trainee too far from home, he’d watched all his friends leave him behind one by one, reaching the goal they all cried and bled for called debut. Got7, then Twice, and he’d been so close to giving up, but Han Jisung, fresh-faced and still bright with hope, had held his hand with a serious expression that was so foreign on his usually-beaming face and had asked him to stay. Told him that they’d debut together, that he could make it. Was so certain Chris could do it that Chris let himself bask in the light of Jisung’s confidence and determination.   
And he’d stayed.   
Chris wasn’t lonely anymore with Jisung firmly by his side, and then came the others—Hyunjin, Changbin, Seungmin, Jeongin, Woojin, Felix, Minho—and from Chris’s one and Jisung’s two they became three, then four, five, six, and eventually nine. There were times when he’s felt so close to giving it all up, when there were more tears than laughter, but with the eight boys who’d become family to him, he’d fought his way to the end, and now they stood—still nine, still whole—in the spotlight of their name Stray Kids, on the steady foundation that was 3racha.  
And yes, Stray Kids would not have existed if not for the “genius leader” Bang Chan, but Bang Chan would not have existed if not for Han Jisung, who held Chris’s hand and pulled him out of the dark when the odds seems stacked against him, when he had been so tempted to give in and quit.  
Jisung squeezed him and managed a watery, “Chris-hyung,” and it was like they were trainees again, just Chris and Jisung unsure of their future but clinging each other for hope. Except–  
“Jisung, we did it,” Chan said fiercely, proudly, and they were both crying again, Bang Chan and Han, members of 3racha and Stray Kids.


End file.
